Been a while

So it's been forever. I think this is mainly because it would hurt to much to read past posts. Long story short, James dumped me. For my best friend. After he got laid once more. He's a fucking asshole who deserves to drop off the face of the earth. Either way, I'm not letting it bother me anymore. I've moved on. He means nothing to me, but it still hurts to know i was once happy. Either way I figured I could start this up again. Might as well, although people actually read my Tumblr because it's the longest blog I've had, and the most personal. It's like a little piece of me. So this is just a little post to say I'm gonna try to keep up with this again. It's time to let go.

You're sorta optomistic friend,
Courtney

I Love/Hate the Rocket Summer

Ok, I really do love their music, but their songs have a habit of relating to stuff and making me cry lol. Here, I'll post a link to my tear-filled songs:

This one is making me sad now

And this made me start to cry a few weeks ago.

*Sigh* I hate myself so much sometimes but I suppose that as long as he doesn't hate me I can deal with myself.

You're _____ friend,
Courtney

I'm sick of it.

Idek what to say... but i'm so upset with myself. I'm sick of not giving a shit how i feel and watching out for everyone else. I'm sick of staring at the fucking word documents that have been in the same place for weeks. I'm sick of needing to write so badly yet not being able to. I'm sick of staring failure in the face constantly. I'm sick of being so fucking afraid of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being over-emotional, yet hiding it. I'm sick of lying to spare someone else. I'm sick of wishing for people to notice when there's something wrong so that i can find something else to complain about. I'm sick of being so afraid of bull shit to ask for something i deserve. I'm sick of saying something and doing something else. I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of letting everyone down. I'm sick of being let down. I'm sick of being jealous that other people are happy. I'm sick of feeling like i'm going to cry but not. I'm sick of these stupid commercials that i've seen a thousand times. I'm sick of forgetting. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of hitting the delete button. I'm sick of correcting people's bad english because it annoys me. I'm sick of dirty dishes that i get yelled at for not doing. I'm sick of getting half-compliments. I'm sick of the "good, but ___". I'm sick of having no money. I'm sick of not being able to help people with their problems. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of doubting everything i do. I'm sick of too many soda cans. I'm sick of feeling lower than everyone else. I'm sick of feeling like i deserve the bad stuff but not the good. I'm sick of the rain covering up the stars. I'm sick of my dog shitting everywhere in the yard. I'm sick of being woken up by the barking dog as soon as my mom leaves. I'm sick of not seeing my boyfriend. I'm sick of staying in bed all day because there's nothing else for me to do. I'm sick of wanting things i can't have. I'm sick of these stupid obsessions. I'm sick of not feeling like eating. I'm sick of feeling stressed non stop. I'm sick of having unresolved medical issues. I'm sick of saying i don't care when i do. I'm sick of apologizing when i did nothing wrong. I'm sick of accepting apologies when i shouldn't. I'm sick of not talking things out. I'm sick of my bed sheets being all crumpled up. I'm sick of my bad habits. I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of me.

:-p

So, I'm starting to realize something about myself. Did you know I'm a jealous person? Me either! Like, I'm subtle about it and I don't really let it affect other people but I'm not liking this.... lol. It blows.

Anyway, I just got done failing at finding a cd for free online. This upsets me cuz I'm broke and walmart isn't gonna have it.

Oh! And I got a haircut. It's for senior pictures tomorrow.

Hm... well that's all I have to say now I suppose =D

You're agitated friend,
Courtney

At least it's a nice night...

*deep breaths* Warning, you probably won't understand a thing I'm saying but I need to get it out and the thought of writing another emo, depressing, from-the-heart poem sickens me.

I'm sorry, okay? It's not my fault this time and when I woke up, I though "Yay." Then a few minutes later I said "shit". And you know what? I knew, as soon as it happened, that the first thing that you would say is "it's always something" and guess what, you did. And I don't even know what to do about it because I feel horrible and like a giant let down. That's all I've been lately is a dissapointment to everyone and I hate not being good enough. Because you deserve better than me. Although in all fairness, it isn't my fault, and I don't think I deserve to feel like this right now. For the second night in a row. "always something" I'm not just looking for excuses, okay? And apparently you have no faith in me, and no trust in me, so whenever I promise you something you're not going to care because you'll expect me to dissapoint you once more, like I always do. Last night was very difficult for both of us I think, and I'm not sure if it carried into today for you too but I sure as hell still feel miserable. Then this has to go an happen, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it because it's fucking two o'clock in the morning. Maybe I just won't log on tomorrow, although we all know I won't do that because even something that might do me good because I need a mental break isn't going to happen. I'm even dissapointing myself, but I'm at least used to that.

GGGGAAAHHHH.

I think I'm going to lay out in the yard and look up at the stars for awhile...

Sorry...

Todd am I stressed. It's just... I don't even know, and that's the worst part. There's so much bothering me that it's all getting mixed up. Some things I just can't explain and some things I can. I just feel pretty miserable. It's just so much is going on, and I feel so much pressure about the now and the future and I feel like I can't handle it. I wrote two poems though... but they're retarded and emo. Oh well... lets see if i can manage to smile by the end of the night...

You're... *sigh*.... friend
Courtney

ARGGGG!

LOOK, I'M ALREADY FREAKED OUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY BARELY EXISTENT FUTURE AS IT IS. NO NEED TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Sorry, I'm having a pretty terrible day. The above thing, I'd rather not get into... but everyone always tells me that my priorities suck and need to be set straight, and the one person I thought would get it doesn't. Right now, I feel more alone than I have in a long time and I'm depressed and upset and I don't know what I want, or what to do, and my mother is ruining the one good thing I have, the only good thing I have, and I don't know how to tell my good thing that he should come first because without him I would probably kill myself. I'm just always screwing up a lot lately and I'm sick of always feeling guilty and cowardly. You want me to have more confidence? Well guess what, I want more confidence too because contrary to apparently popular belief, being afraid of EVERYTHING isn't as much fun as it must sound, and you want to know what else? It's not as easy to change your entire personality as everyone seems to think. I don't want to be this way, and these little chats aren't boosting my confidence so please don't turn on me, not when I need you the most.