Been a while

So it's been forever. I think this is mainly because it would hurt to much to read past posts. Long story short, James dumped me. For my best friend. After he got laid once more. He's a fucking asshole who deserves to drop off the face of the earth. Either way, I'm not letting it bother me anymore. I've moved on. He means nothing to me, but it still hurts to know i was once happy. Either way I figured I could start this up again. Might as well, although people actually read my Tumblr because it's the longest blog I've had, and the most personal. It's like a little piece of me. So this is just a little post to say I'm gonna try to keep up with this again. It's time to let go.

You're sorta optomistic friend,
Courtney

I Love/Hate the Rocket Summer

Ok, I really do love their music, but their songs have a habit of relating to stuff and making me cry lol. Here, I'll post a link to my tear-filled songs:

This one is making me sad now

And this made me start to cry a few weeks ago.

*Sigh* I hate myself so much sometimes but I suppose that as long as he doesn't hate me I can deal with myself.

You're _____ friend,
Courtney

I'm sick of it.

Idek what to say... but i'm so upset with myself. I'm sick of not giving a shit how i feel and watching out for everyone else. I'm sick of staring at the fucking word documents that have been in the same place for weeks. I'm sick of needing to write so badly yet not being able to. I'm sick of staring failure in the face constantly. I'm sick of being so fucking afraid of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being over-emotional, yet hiding it. I'm sick of lying to spare someone else. I'm sick of wishing for people to notice when there's something wrong so that i can find something else to complain about. I'm sick of being so afraid of bull shit to ask for something i deserve. I'm sick of saying something and doing something else. I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of letting everyone down. I'm sick of being let down. I'm sick of being jealous that other people are happy. I'm sick of feeling like i'm going to cry but not. I'm sick of these stupid commercials that i've seen a thousand times. I'm sick of forgetting. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of hitting the delete button. I'm sick of correcting people's bad english because it annoys me. I'm sick of dirty dishes that i get yelled at for not doing. I'm sick of getting half-compliments. I'm sick of the "good, but ___". I'm sick of having no money. I'm sick of not being able to help people with their problems. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of doubting everything i do. I'm sick of too many soda cans. I'm sick of feeling lower than everyone else. I'm sick of feeling like i deserve the bad stuff but not the good. I'm sick of the rain covering up the stars. I'm sick of my dog shitting everywhere in the yard. I'm sick of being woken up by the barking dog as soon as my mom leaves. I'm sick of not seeing my boyfriend. I'm sick of staying in bed all day because there's nothing else for me to do. I'm sick of wanting things i can't have. I'm sick of these stupid obsessions. I'm sick of not feeling like eating. I'm sick of feeling stressed non stop. I'm sick of having unresolved medical issues. I'm sick of saying i don't care when i do. I'm sick of apologizing when i did nothing wrong. I'm sick of accepting apologies when i shouldn't. I'm sick of not talking things out. I'm sick of my bed sheets being all crumpled up. I'm sick of my bad habits. I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of me.

:-p

So, I'm starting to realize something about myself. Did you know I'm a jealous person? Me either! Like, I'm subtle about it and I don't really let it affect other people but I'm not liking this.... lol. It blows.

Anyway, I just got done failing at finding a cd for free online. This upsets me cuz I'm broke and walmart isn't gonna have it.

Oh! And I got a haircut. It's for senior pictures tomorrow.

Hm... well that's all I have to say now I suppose =D

You're agitated friend,
Courtney

At least it's a nice night...

*deep breaths* Warning, you probably won't understand a thing I'm saying but I need to get it out and the thought of writing another emo, depressing, from-the-heart poem sickens me.

I'm sorry, okay? It's not my fault this time and when I woke up, I though "Yay." Then a few minutes later I said "shit". And you know what? I knew, as soon as it happened, that the first thing that you would say is "it's always something" and guess what, you did. And I don't even know what to do about it because I feel horrible and like a giant let down. That's all I've been lately is a dissapointment to everyone and I hate not being good enough. Because you deserve better than me. Although in all fairness, it isn't my fault, and I don't think I deserve to feel like this right now. For the second night in a row. "always something" I'm not just looking for excuses, okay? And apparently you have no faith in me, and no trust in me, so whenever I promise you something you're not going to care because you'll expect me to dissapoint you once more, like I always do. Last night was very difficult for both of us I think, and I'm not sure if it carried into today for you too but I sure as hell still feel miserable. Then this has to go an happen, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it because it's fucking two o'clock in the morning. Maybe I just won't log on tomorrow, although we all know I won't do that because even something that might do me good because I need a mental break isn't going to happen. I'm even dissapointing myself, but I'm at least used to that.

GGGGAAAHHHH.

I think I'm going to lay out in the yard and look up at the stars for awhile...

Sorry...

Todd am I stressed. It's just... I don't even know, and that's the worst part. There's so much bothering me that it's all getting mixed up. Some things I just can't explain and some things I can. I just feel pretty miserable. It's just so much is going on, and I feel so much pressure about the now and the future and I feel like I can't handle it. I wrote two poems though... but they're retarded and emo. Oh well... lets see if i can manage to smile by the end of the night...

You're... *sigh*.... friend
Courtney

ARGGGG!

LOOK, I'M ALREADY FREAKED OUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY BARELY EXISTENT FUTURE AS IT IS. NO NEED TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Sorry, I'm having a pretty terrible day. The above thing, I'd rather not get into... but everyone always tells me that my priorities suck and need to be set straight, and the one person I thought would get it doesn't. Right now, I feel more alone than I have in a long time and I'm depressed and upset and I don't know what I want, or what to do, and my mother is ruining the one good thing I have, the only good thing I have, and I don't know how to tell my good thing that he should come first because without him I would probably kill myself. I'm just always screwing up a lot lately and I'm sick of always feeling guilty and cowardly. You want me to have more confidence? Well guess what, I want more confidence too because contrary to apparently popular belief, being afraid of EVERYTHING isn't as much fun as it must sound, and you want to know what else? It's not as easy to change your entire personality as everyone seems to think. I don't want to be this way, and these little chats aren't boosting my confidence so please don't turn on me, not when I need you the most.

81. Wow.

This is my 81st post... which either means yay I've committed or wow I need a life (don't answer that one btw). So I have been texting James from my now very clean room *gasps*. See, I was going to invite James over tonight and figured I'd clean my room for brownie points. Then he said he didn't want to listen to my mom's lecture right now (I totally don't blame him) so he's not gonna come. And he just told me a seven month old baby got kidnapped at Walmart today. It's scary when things like that happen here. But yeah, I'm pissed cuz my mom is ruining the last two months i have before he leaves for college which sucks. And i was feeling emo so I started to clean to distract myself and now I have a shiny floor haha.

That's it for now I think. Kinda don't feel like this.

You're angered friend,
Courtney

p.s. youtube won't let me post my video so I'mma do it here cuz I worked hard.

I wish I wasn't poor...

So I got this magazine in the mail today, The Pyramid Collection, and I feel poor and envious. It has all sorts of cool pendants and stuff and it has also re-awoken my desire to convert to Wicca. My friend Stacey, who used to sit with me on the bus, had a book called Wicca for the solitary practitioner and I used to go through it. I wanted this when I was like, fourteen but my mom never bought me the book and it kind of faded to the back of my mind... until today! From what research I remember doing, it's basically a worship of earth and nature (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) and that sounds good to me. I mean, where would we be without it? So I'll have to start my research again. And then get rich so I can buy a moonstone ring (love moonstone) and all sorts of other cool stuff. My cart on the sight is like, $400 dollars haha. Yeah, fuck. So, I suppose that's it for now. I'm supposed to be putting laundry away but... hehe. Oh well.

You're curious friend,
Courtney

(BTW, this is a video I made from a poem that apparently violates copyright shit and youtube won't let me put it up (freakinxcensoredxsux is my channel) so here's to not getting caught here lol)

Wow.

My summer vacation is pathetic. It's 2:08 and I've yet to get out of bed for longer than ten minutes haha. I NEED A JOB. But my computer beckons me, calling my name. "Touch me, Courtney. Push all the right buttons and I do amazing things." And yes. I did just make my computer sound sexual. The problem I have with this is that I'm not even doing anything productive. I'm sorta on AIM with my sister and Facebook chatting with my friend Kyle... I have a story I've been working on open in the toolbar thingy or whatever as well as a finished poem... but as I look around I see a few loads of laundry that needs to be done, food that i've been too lazy to throw out.... I'm disgusting haha, and I lost my remote.... ugh, I suppose I should get that laundry going before mom gets home... and treat myself to Ben and Jerry's afterwards for a job well done. Yes, I think I'll do that... or procrastinate by showing a picture.... um.... lets see..... If I show James graduating and he finds out he'll get mad at me lol.... so..... uh.....

Here's Jeremy getting hustled by an eleven year old lol. Look! Falling money! (I just noticed that)

You're lazy ass friend,
Courtney

"Love" =]

I had a dream the other night and it made me think a lot. In said dream, I was pregnant. It made me think of a few things. For instance, what would I do if I got pregnant? It's a scary thought, and I know that I'm not ready for a child, but what would I do? Well I think the main decision would fall with what James wants (although in all reality it should be mostly mine)... but...

Ok. Allow me to get to my point. There are different levels of "love". Me? I'm past love. I've been in love before, yes. James isn't my first serious relationship and you know what? I did love Dillon, it was just a different love. I remember talking on the phone about why my mom wouldn't let me go to his house. I used to say "If he took it too far I would stop him and if he didn't stop I'd leave and walk up to your house". But with James... I've never wanted to commit myself to someone so much. I can't remember if I was ready for a lifetime with Dillon, I tend to fall hard and fast, but I have no doubt that James is the one. I want to wait for him to get out of college, finish college of my own, then move away with him. We could start a family with kids and a yard. We could be the happy married couple that everyone envies. We could argure about the toilet seat being left up and who has to do the dishes. My future is something that terrifies me, something on high shakey grounds with little certainty. But then I think about James and I know that he'll be there with me making it all worth while. So my current level of love? There isn't one. It's not love, it's so much more than that. I have found my place in this world (his arms), I have found my future (with him), and I have found my saftey. There is nothing that can change these feelings. So I wrote a short story once (that I regrettably lost) and one of the best lines in it was "So I've labled it love" because it's not love. I just don't know what else to call it.

Sorry, but todd I love this boy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and there's no way I can ever repay him.

Your 'love'struck friend
Courtney

What is writing supposed to be?

Last night I was really upset because my mother is a crazy bitch so I wrote a poem. It didn't rhyme, I didn't over think it, I just wrote. And that is what writing should be. Pure, unplanned, raw emotion. I mean, that's not what it is for everyone. That's not why everyone writes, I know that, but to me, that's what it should be. You see, there is a very big difference between a writer and an author. I've been having some conflict between those two parts of me lately. I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil, and in turn I've been writing a lot of that raw emotion and putting it into short stories (which I'm getting better at). I like these stories, but sometimes I just write to write and as a writer, it feels amazing. As an author, I'm pissed.

Of course if you plan on writing for a living, you will at one point probably be writing just for a paycheck. That can't be avoided but it's not what writing should be. That's what I like about not being published yet (although I wish I would hurry the hell up). I can take my time and write something meaningful without agents and deadlines swimming around my head.

So in conclusion, if you are a writer, keep it up. The world needs more of us to show what writing should be. And if you're an author, that's good too, but don't forget to listen to your writer side every once in a while.

Courtney Shaddock

1st for Today

I'm in a blogging mood. Mainly because I haven't been writing a lot and feel the need to produce something. I've also not posted seriously for a long time and a lot of stuff has happened. Now that I look back, I haven't posted since prom haha. And that was even a shitty post. So this will be my update post and my next one will be my thoughtful one.

So I'm reading back and first I'll get into prom stuff (haha three months later). Um, James exchanged a month of groundation for the opportunity to stay at Jessica's so that was extremely nice but I'm skipping ahead here. So we got ready at Jess' and we turned her room into a hairspray bomb haha. Then for some reason I was terrified to go out but I did and we took pictures, James almost backed Matt into the road while a car was coming, then we loaded into the van, said our goodbyes, and took off. While there, I actually danced (gasp because I DON'T dance) and then almost fell asleep in a chair haha. Oh! And James and I had a stalker! Some chick kept taking pictures of us!!!! Like, we were sitting alone in this room with an (unlit) fireplace and I was just sitting on his lap drinking my soda and she was like "What a fabulous picture!" And we played ping pong and stuff. Then we went home and pulled an all nighter (although aparently I fell asleep for twenty minutes without remembering it) an played with fire and marshmellow baseball. Then we walked all the way to fucking NINA's and back. And it was hot and we were tired lol.

Okay... what else has happened... Oh! Band trip was fun. Went to Virginia, went on some rollercoasters and the beach.

And two days ago I went to a Mets game and got great seats. My pictures were amazing and it rained really hard lol

I've suddenly lost my will to update. Another post to follow.

You're flustered friend,
Courtney

OWL CITY!

HEY EVERYONE! (Courtney lol) It's been awhile. I don't even know when I last posted but I figured why the hell not? And I also want to share a kick ass band called Owl City:



It's amazing. I love them =D

In other news... I don't know where I left off.... I think I zoomed in on my screen... whoopsie... but I dunno how to zoom out again haha

In other news!!! OMT!!!!! My dad knows someone whose family is in a publishing company! I'm editing Echo and a few people have read with good feedback. I'm so excited. I might be published before I'm 18 =D

Well I'm leaving soon.... Adios!!

Epiphany!

Well first news first. I am awesome. I've been working on another vampire book and today during accounting, instead of doing my test, I thought up a title. Ready for this?

Wherefore out thou fangs


*squeal* Isn't it genious? Well it is because the story is like a modern twist on Romeo and Juliet but better and with vampires. Ok now I totally forgot what my other news was... fuck.

Anyway, prom was amazing. The location could of used work but it was with my friends and James so I'm not complaining. Then we went to Jess' and stayed up ALL night. No lie. Then walked three miles to Nina's.



OH! My other news! I wrote a poem today that I'll share here.

I saw it. Felt it.
I need it, yet loath it.
Everything I thought I got rid of it

I ended up back where I started.
It blinked and blinked and blinked.

And blinked.
I felt it blinking... pulsing.
Pulsing through me, fueling me.
My anger, my hatred.
My frustration.

Groaning, moaning, slamming things.
Pens flying, papers crumpling.
And that damn cursor.
That damn blinking cursor.
I hate writers block.

Ok. Oh, and this is a long post but maybe Courtney could help me with an idea: I want to start some sort of creative literary program at school. Like the Amphibion but monthly. Or like a writers club, where people can bring their work and we can critique eachother. I just don't know how to go about this.

Ok, that's it for now.

You're happy happy friend,
Courtney

*SQUEAL*

OK! GUESS WHAT!!! I MAY HAVE FOUND A COLLEGE I MAY WANT TO GO TO!!!!!!

ADELPHI!!!!

It's in Long Island (2.5 hours away from Delhi hehe) which is near the city which is AWESOME. And it's private so I'll actually learn. There's a writing program. It's affordable and there's hope of me getting in (66% acceptance rate) and and and and! YAY! I'm so glad there's potential.

Ok, that's it for now. Prom info later.

Your squealing friend (hope it's not swine flu)
Courtney

Quickly!

I have to try to rush this one because I have to go to school but I had a weird dream I want to share.

Ok, um... first I was battling this chick and I shot her with a bow and I got a ton of medalions or something. Then I went to Mitchell Davis' house (livelavalive) for some reason and his mom was really weird and I asked him to help me fix my camera and teach me to edit videos. Then we were putting food stamps on our forehead and they left weird marks. That's about all I can remember lol but it was def. weird.

You're student friend,
Courtney

Shot Down Shot Down, It's Just Such a Shame

AHHHHH! SONG TITLE! Haha, just when you thought I got over it. But it is relative.

So my after-prom plans were just murdered. We were all gonna go to Jess' and have a huge bonfire then maybe sleep in the camper (maybe). Mind you, I had no intentions of doing..... yeah.... but I was looking forward to sleeping next to James sooooooo much! You all have no idea. I think it's for two reasons:
A) He's so warm and soft and I would just love to be in his arms all night
B) I want to wake up next to him.

That must be the ultimate feeling, waking up next to the one you love. It's like your dream just keeps going on!

BUT NO!

His mom said no.

So now I'm sad.

And hitting the Enter key too much.

DEAL!

AND USING ALL CAPS!

Ok... enough of that for now. No more "entering" until it's "signing off". Um, as honestly depressed as I am that my plans and dreams and hopes and.... anyway.... were shattered, I still can't wait till Saturday and James is making me feel better (I'm actually smiling!) So yeah.... I'm gonna continue with my short-lived happiness for the night. Goodnight All!

You're STABBING STUFF FRIEND,
Courtney.

P.S. I guess I lied about the whole no more enters, but instead of stabbing I'd like to rebuke my statement and make it shooting. My dad let us shoot his pistol today and it was AWESOME!

Post Seventy!

Ok, well I just woke up. Actually I've been awake for a few minutes but I was trying to get back to bed until James signed on, when I decided to get up. Which was pointless because the conversation isn't really getting anywhere because he's cleaning.

Anyway, I'm going to try to remember my weird dream. Uh, there was a stage and me, plus five other people were there. I hated one of them and we were always doing weird things for the audience. When we were running out of ideas I saw a box of vegatables and decided we should have a mock sword fight (the carrots were a hint). But when I got to the box all the good veggies were gone so Bekah and I split up her shoes and used that until I found a ruler.... then I was on a beach and my grandma was trying to be my friend but in the end she ended up sniping me.

Ok lol, I'll talk about Cooperstown later because I didn't have the energy for it last night... or now.

Your needing to pee friend,
Courtney

I'm trying to make a mobile post but I think I'll keep it short.

So I'm in the car and on my way for this thing for my dad'

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