"Love" =]

I had a dream the other night and it made me think a lot. In said dream, I was pregnant. It made me think of a few things. For instance, what would I do if I got pregnant? It's a scary thought, and I know that I'm not ready for a child, but what would I do? Well I think the main decision would fall with what James wants (although in all reality it should be mostly mine)... but...

Ok. Allow me to get to my point. There are different levels of "love". Me? I'm past love. I've been in love before, yes. James isn't my first serious relationship and you know what? I did love Dillon, it was just a different love. I remember talking on the phone about why my mom wouldn't let me go to his house. I used to say "If he took it too far I would stop him and if he didn't stop I'd leave and walk up to your house". But with James... I've never wanted to commit myself to someone so much. I can't remember if I was ready for a lifetime with Dillon, I tend to fall hard and fast, but I have no doubt that James is the one. I want to wait for him to get out of college, finish college of my own, then move away with him. We could start a family with kids and a yard. We could be the happy married couple that everyone envies. We could argure about the toilet seat being left up and who has to do the dishes. My future is something that terrifies me, something on high shakey grounds with little certainty. But then I think about James and I know that he'll be there with me making it all worth while. So my current level of love? There isn't one. It's not love, it's so much more than that. I have found my place in this world (his arms), I have found my future (with him), and I have found my saftey. There is nothing that can change these feelings. So I wrote a short story once (that I regrettably lost) and one of the best lines in it was "So I've labled it love" because it's not love. I just don't know what else to call it.

Sorry, but todd I love this boy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and there's no way I can ever repay him.

Your 'love'struck friend
Courtney

What is writing supposed to be?

Last night I was really upset because my mother is a crazy bitch so I wrote a poem. It didn't rhyme, I didn't over think it, I just wrote. And that is what writing should be. Pure, unplanned, raw emotion. I mean, that's not what it is for everyone. That's not why everyone writes, I know that, but to me, that's what it should be. You see, there is a very big difference between a writer and an author. I've been having some conflict between those two parts of me lately. I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil, and in turn I've been writing a lot of that raw emotion and putting it into short stories (which I'm getting better at). I like these stories, but sometimes I just write to write and as a writer, it feels amazing. As an author, I'm pissed.

Of course if you plan on writing for a living, you will at one point probably be writing just for a paycheck. That can't be avoided but it's not what writing should be. That's what I like about not being published yet (although I wish I would hurry the hell up). I can take my time and write something meaningful without agents and deadlines swimming around my head.

So in conclusion, if you are a writer, keep it up. The world needs more of us to show what writing should be. And if you're an author, that's good too, but don't forget to listen to your writer side every once in a while.

Courtney Shaddock

1st for Today

I'm in a blogging mood. Mainly because I haven't been writing a lot and feel the need to produce something. I've also not posted seriously for a long time and a lot of stuff has happened. Now that I look back, I haven't posted since prom haha. And that was even a shitty post. So this will be my update post and my next one will be my thoughtful one.

So I'm reading back and first I'll get into prom stuff (haha three months later). Um, James exchanged a month of groundation for the opportunity to stay at Jessica's so that was extremely nice but I'm skipping ahead here. So we got ready at Jess' and we turned her room into a hairspray bomb haha. Then for some reason I was terrified to go out but I did and we took pictures, James almost backed Matt into the road while a car was coming, then we loaded into the van, said our goodbyes, and took off. While there, I actually danced (gasp because I DON'T dance) and then almost fell asleep in a chair haha. Oh! And James and I had a stalker! Some chick kept taking pictures of us!!!! Like, we were sitting alone in this room with an (unlit) fireplace and I was just sitting on his lap drinking my soda and she was like "What a fabulous picture!" And we played ping pong and stuff. Then we went home and pulled an all nighter (although aparently I fell asleep for twenty minutes without remembering it) an played with fire and marshmellow baseball. Then we walked all the way to fucking NINA's and back. And it was hot and we were tired lol.

Okay... what else has happened... Oh! Band trip was fun. Went to Virginia, went on some rollercoasters and the beach.

And two days ago I went to a Mets game and got great seats. My pictures were amazing and it rained really hard lol

I've suddenly lost my will to update. Another post to follow.

You're flustered friend,
Courtney

OWL CITY!

HEY EVERYONE! (Courtney lol) It's been awhile. I don't even know when I last posted but I figured why the hell not? And I also want to share a kick ass band called Owl City:



It's amazing. I love them =D

In other news... I don't know where I left off.... I think I zoomed in on my screen... whoopsie... but I dunno how to zoom out again haha

In other news!!! OMT!!!!! My dad knows someone whose family is in a publishing company! I'm editing Echo and a few people have read with good feedback. I'm so excited. I might be published before I'm 18 =D

Well I'm leaving soon.... Adios!!