I'm sick of it.

Idek what to say... but i'm so upset with myself. I'm sick of not giving a shit how i feel and watching out for everyone else. I'm sick of staring at the fucking word documents that have been in the same place for weeks. I'm sick of needing to write so badly yet not being able to. I'm sick of staring failure in the face constantly. I'm sick of being so fucking afraid of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being over-emotional, yet hiding it. I'm sick of lying to spare someone else. I'm sick of wishing for people to notice when there's something wrong so that i can find something else to complain about. I'm sick of being so afraid of bull shit to ask for something i deserve. I'm sick of saying something and doing something else. I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of letting everyone down. I'm sick of being let down. I'm sick of being jealous that other people are happy. I'm sick of feeling like i'm going to cry but not. I'm sick of these stupid commercials that i've seen a thousand times. I'm sick of forgetting. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of hitting the delete button. I'm sick of correcting people's bad english because it annoys me. I'm sick of dirty dishes that i get yelled at for not doing. I'm sick of getting half-compliments. I'm sick of the "good, but ___". I'm sick of having no money. I'm sick of not being able to help people with their problems. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of doubting everything i do. I'm sick of too many soda cans. I'm sick of feeling lower than everyone else. I'm sick of feeling like i deserve the bad stuff but not the good. I'm sick of the rain covering up the stars. I'm sick of my dog shitting everywhere in the yard. I'm sick of being woken up by the barking dog as soon as my mom leaves. I'm sick of not seeing my boyfriend. I'm sick of staying in bed all day because there's nothing else for me to do. I'm sick of wanting things i can't have. I'm sick of these stupid obsessions. I'm sick of not feeling like eating. I'm sick of feeling stressed non stop. I'm sick of having unresolved medical issues. I'm sick of saying i don't care when i do. I'm sick of apologizing when i did nothing wrong. I'm sick of accepting apologies when i shouldn't. I'm sick of not talking things out. I'm sick of my bed sheets being all crumpled up. I'm sick of my bad habits. I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of me.

:-p

So, I'm starting to realize something about myself. Did you know I'm a jealous person? Me either! Like, I'm subtle about it and I don't really let it affect other people but I'm not liking this.... lol. It blows.

Anyway, I just got done failing at finding a cd for free online. This upsets me cuz I'm broke and walmart isn't gonna have it.

Oh! And I got a haircut. It's for senior pictures tomorrow.

Hm... well that's all I have to say now I suppose =D

You're agitated friend,
Courtney

At least it's a nice night...

*deep breaths* Warning, you probably won't understand a thing I'm saying but I need to get it out and the thought of writing another emo, depressing, from-the-heart poem sickens me.

I'm sorry, okay? It's not my fault this time and when I woke up, I though "Yay." Then a few minutes later I said "shit". And you know what? I knew, as soon as it happened, that the first thing that you would say is "it's always something" and guess what, you did. And I don't even know what to do about it because I feel horrible and like a giant let down. That's all I've been lately is a dissapointment to everyone and I hate not being good enough. Because you deserve better than me. Although in all fairness, it isn't my fault, and I don't think I deserve to feel like this right now. For the second night in a row. "always something" I'm not just looking for excuses, okay? And apparently you have no faith in me, and no trust in me, so whenever I promise you something you're not going to care because you'll expect me to dissapoint you once more, like I always do. Last night was very difficult for both of us I think, and I'm not sure if it carried into today for you too but I sure as hell still feel miserable. Then this has to go an happen, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it because it's fucking two o'clock in the morning. Maybe I just won't log on tomorrow, although we all know I won't do that because even something that might do me good because I need a mental break isn't going to happen. I'm even dissapointing myself, but I'm at least used to that.

GGGGAAAHHHH.

I think I'm going to lay out in the yard and look up at the stars for awhile...

Sorry...

Todd am I stressed. It's just... I don't even know, and that's the worst part. There's so much bothering me that it's all getting mixed up. Some things I just can't explain and some things I can. I just feel pretty miserable. It's just so much is going on, and I feel so much pressure about the now and the future and I feel like I can't handle it. I wrote two poems though... but they're retarded and emo. Oh well... lets see if i can manage to smile by the end of the night...

You're... *sigh*.... friend
Courtney

ARGGGG!

LOOK, I'M ALREADY FREAKED OUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY BARELY EXISTENT FUTURE AS IT IS. NO NEED TO MAKE IT WORSE.

Sorry, I'm having a pretty terrible day. The above thing, I'd rather not get into... but everyone always tells me that my priorities suck and need to be set straight, and the one person I thought would get it doesn't. Right now, I feel more alone than I have in a long time and I'm depressed and upset and I don't know what I want, or what to do, and my mother is ruining the one good thing I have, the only good thing I have, and I don't know how to tell my good thing that he should come first because without him I would probably kill myself. I'm just always screwing up a lot lately and I'm sick of always feeling guilty and cowardly. You want me to have more confidence? Well guess what, I want more confidence too because contrary to apparently popular belief, being afraid of EVERYTHING isn't as much fun as it must sound, and you want to know what else? It's not as easy to change your entire personality as everyone seems to think. I don't want to be this way, and these little chats aren't boosting my confidence so please don't turn on me, not when I need you the most.

81. Wow.

This is my 81st post... which either means yay I've committed or wow I need a life (don't answer that one btw). So I have been texting James from my now very clean room *gasps*. See, I was going to invite James over tonight and figured I'd clean my room for brownie points. Then he said he didn't want to listen to my mom's lecture right now (I totally don't blame him) so he's not gonna come. And he just told me a seven month old baby got kidnapped at Walmart today. It's scary when things like that happen here. But yeah, I'm pissed cuz my mom is ruining the last two months i have before he leaves for college which sucks. And i was feeling emo so I started to clean to distract myself and now I have a shiny floor haha.

That's it for now I think. Kinda don't feel like this.

You're angered friend,
Courtney

p.s. youtube won't let me post my video so I'mma do it here cuz I worked hard.

I wish I wasn't poor...

So I got this magazine in the mail today, The Pyramid Collection, and I feel poor and envious. It has all sorts of cool pendants and stuff and it has also re-awoken my desire to convert to Wicca. My friend Stacey, who used to sit with me on the bus, had a book called Wicca for the solitary practitioner and I used to go through it. I wanted this when I was like, fourteen but my mom never bought me the book and it kind of faded to the back of my mind... until today! From what research I remember doing, it's basically a worship of earth and nature (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) and that sounds good to me. I mean, where would we be without it? So I'll have to start my research again. And then get rich so I can buy a moonstone ring (love moonstone) and all sorts of other cool stuff. My cart on the sight is like, $400 dollars haha. Yeah, fuck. So, I suppose that's it for now. I'm supposed to be putting laundry away but... hehe. Oh well.

You're curious friend,
Courtney

(BTW, this is a video I made from a poem that apparently violates copyright shit and youtube won't let me put it up (freakinxcensoredxsux is my channel) so here's to not getting caught here lol)

Wow.

My summer vacation is pathetic. It's 2:08 and I've yet to get out of bed for longer than ten minutes haha. I NEED A JOB. But my computer beckons me, calling my name. "Touch me, Courtney. Push all the right buttons and I do amazing things." And yes. I did just make my computer sound sexual. The problem I have with this is that I'm not even doing anything productive. I'm sorta on AIM with my sister and Facebook chatting with my friend Kyle... I have a story I've been working on open in the toolbar thingy or whatever as well as a finished poem... but as I look around I see a few loads of laundry that needs to be done, food that i've been too lazy to throw out.... I'm disgusting haha, and I lost my remote.... ugh, I suppose I should get that laundry going before mom gets home... and treat myself to Ben and Jerry's afterwards for a job well done. Yes, I think I'll do that... or procrastinate by showing a picture.... um.... lets see..... If I show James graduating and he finds out he'll get mad at me lol.... so..... uh.....

Here's Jeremy getting hustled by an eleven year old lol. Look! Falling money! (I just noticed that)

You're lazy ass friend,
Courtney